怎样维护异地恋
Being in a long distance relationship isn’t easy. It requires very strong trust, commitment, guidelines, and communication. Studies show that a majority of people involved in long distance relationships eventually break up. That’s why you see so many “experts” proclaiming that long distance relationships are a bad idea and don’t work. Yet if you learn to master communication and set the parameters of your relationship, it can work. It’s an uphill battle, but it is possible, and many people do eventually become happily married as a result of being in a long distance relationship.
A long distance relationship will be difficult and requires a strong commitment between you and your partner. The following 10 long distance relationship tips will go a long way to help you achieve a lasting love. Here they are:
1) Establish the relationship rules and parameters.
In a study of long distance relationships, Dr. Greg Guldner found that 70% of couples in a long distance relationship who did not set rules, or deal with changes, ended up breaking up within six months. This means that it is vital that you and your partner set rules and parameters to guide your long distance relationship. This includes an agreement that you will not date others, that you will communicate daily, and that you’ll see each other at least once every 2-3 months in person.
2) Communicate Every Single Day
Part of a successful long distance relationship is being able to emulate patterns found in regular relationships. One of these patterns is daily communication. The evolution of the Internet is godsend for people who are in long distance relationships. Not only can you communicate via email and instant messaging for free, but you can also talk to each other through free services like Skype. And that means no more $500 a month phone bills!
3) Express Your Feelings
Learning to express your feelings to your long distance partner in email, IM, and on the phone is important for the growth and stability of your relationship. One of the ways it increases your relationship stability is by providing “reassurance” to the other person about your commitment to him/her. When you express your feelings, you are letting your partner know that you are committed to making the relationship work.
4) Send Care Packages
Every once in awhile prepare and send your long distance relationship partner a “care package”. Here are several things you might consider putting in the package (not all at once, of course; pace yourself and your gifts):
Books Phone Card Hershey’s Hugs
Music Video Message Hershey’s Kisses
Puzzle Sweets Real Rose
Card Stuffed Animal “Preserved” Rose
Holiday Items Bottled Message Chocolate Rose
Pressed Flower Pictures of You Engraved Rose
Gift Card Jewelry “Key” to Your Heart
Bubble Bath Movie Ticket Personalized Poem
The more personalized you can make the gifts, the bigger impact it will have when received. For example, when send some pictures of you, hold a sign in one of the pictures that says “I love you, ____” (of course yours will have a name in it, not a blank line). When sending a book, make sure the book is on something your partner is passionate about and write him/her a little note on the inside cover. Do this every time you send a book. If you send music, write something specific about a song or two that makes you think of him/her. Go to the M&Ms Website and order personalized M&Ms. Even puzzles can be customized as many places now sell make your own puzzle kits. Call up a spa in his/her area and buy a certificate that the spa will mail you then you will mail to your partner!
The more personalized and creative you can be, the more impressed your partner will be at your thoughtfulness.
5) Spend Time Together While Apart
Even though your partner may live hours away, you can still experience “date nights” with him/her. For example, let’s say you are both interested in seeing the latest blockbuster movie. Plan to go at the exact same time (coordinate your time zones) to see the movie then when it is over call each other to discuss it. It’s fun knowing that your partner is doing the exact same thing as you at the exact same time. Even though you’re apart, you’re still sharing a moment “together”.
6) Never Make Assumptions
Always be clear about your relationship with each other. Don’t assume that your long-distance partner knows your feelings – share them. Good or bad, be clear about how you feel about the relationship. Assumptions kill many relationships, while clear communication helps relationships succeed. Perhaps Henry Winkler put it best when he said, “assumptions are the termites of relationships.” Let your partner clearly know your ambitions, fears, feelings, and desires. This will allow him/her to share something deeper with you as you both work together towards mastering your communication abilities.
7) Trust One Another
Low self-esteem and a lack of trust can ruin wonderful relationships. For example, a woman I know once met this really nice, thoughtful, and sincere man. She met him via online dating – the first guy she met after spending three years “healing” from her last relationship. Unfortunately, she still carried baggage from the failure of her last relationship. Instead of recognizing this guy as different, she lumped all men into the same boat as her failed relationship. She was distrusting and insecure. In the end, she lost the guy as a result.
It’s important not to draw associations between the person you are currently seeing and past failed relationships. Give the person an honest chance. I live by the philosophy that “I will fully trust a person until they give me a reason not to”. This philosophy is very important in long distance relationships because if you start to lose trust and become insecure then your relationship will soon be sabotaged… by you.
8 ) Plan Regular Meetings
Meeting regularly is vital to the success of your long-distance relationship. As discussed in tip #1, it’s important to set parameters on things like when you’ll meet and how often. And when you settle on a date, it’s very important that you make sure nothing interferes with it. When you cancel an in-person meeting (“My friends invited me to the coast that weekend” or “I didn’t realize finals were that week”) you send a strong message that the relationship is not a priority in your life. You should be canceling other events in order to see your partner. If you’re allowing other events to interfere with your get-togethers, then then you might want to reevaluate why you’re in a relationship.
9) Share Passions
The great thing about long-distance relationships is that you tend to get to know your partner much better than if you were physically together. As a result, you learn much more about your partner’s likes, dislikes, and passions. Find something your partner is passionate about that you can get involved with. For example, maybe your partner really loves tennis and you’ve never played tennis. Start taking tennis lessons and discuss it with your partner. Find passions that you both can share and it will invigorate your feelings and appreciation for the relationship.
10) Surprise!
You often hear people say, “I love surprises.” Surprises are fun because they are unexpected and show how thoughtful/fun a person is. Think of things you can do that will “surprise” your partner. But don’t overdue it because then they’ll come to expect surprises. Here are a few ideas you may want to consider:
» A classified ad in their local newspaper with a message just for them.
» An unexpected trip to see your partner.
» A video tape recording of you delivering a personal message and showing off some of your “a day in the life of me” events.
» A set of gifts that you give your partner when he/she leaves (after meeting you in person). The number of gifts correspond to the number of weeks until you see each other again. For example, if you will see each other again in eight weeks then you give your partner eight gifts, each one numbered. Every Monday morning he/she gets to open one of the gifts. It builds anticipation and increases your “thoughtfulness” skill in your partner’s eyes.
Your long distance relationship can work if you put the time and effort into making it work. As Dr. Phil says, “If you’re in love with somebody, you will swim the stream, you will climb the mountain, you will slay the dragon…”
异地恋不容易，要求双方彼此信任，承担责任，有原则，懂沟通。研究表明大多数出于异地恋的人最终都分手了。这就是为什么你会发现很多“专家”宣称异地恋不是好主意，行不通。然而，如果你学会掌握如何沟通并且给你们的关系设好各种原则，异地恋是行得通的。异地恋是艰苦的战斗，但是是可以维护好的，也有很多人最终结束了长期的两地分离而最终喜结连理。
异地关系很难，要求彼此付出。下面给出10条建议，帮助诸位获得永久的爱情。如下：
1.给你们的关系定下一些原则和规定
在一份对异地关系的研究中，格雷格*居德纳博士发现70%的异地夫妻没有设定原则，或者处理变化，于是在半年内分道扬镳了。这就意味着双方设定些指导你们异地关系的原则是及其重要的。这包括双方同意不能跟其他人约会，每天都交流，至少两三个月要见一面。
2.每天都交流交流
成功的异地关系部分是因为能够仿照正常关系的模式。其中之一就是每天的交流。互联网的出现对于处于异地关系的人们简直是天赐之物。不仅是你们可以免费地通过电子邮件和即时通讯工具沟通，而且还可以通过免费的Skype服务互相聊天。这就免了每个月500美金的电话费了。
3.把你的感情表达出来
通过电子邮件，即时通讯工具，电话来表达你的情感对于你们的关系的发展和稳定是非常重要的。其中一个可以增进你们的关系的稳定的方式是安慰她/他你会负责的，让对方放心。当你表达出你的感情的时候，你就是对方知道你在付出，你会维护好你们的关系。
4.千里寄相思
时不时地给出于异地的伴侣准备一些东西寄过去，表达你的挂念。下面列了些东西仅供参考（自己规划，当然不是让你一次都寄出去）：
书，电话卡，好心思巧克力，音乐，视频留言，智力测验，糖果，真玫瑰，明信片，毛绒玩具，假玫瑰，度假用的东西，装在瓶子里的留言，巧克力玫瑰，压花，你的照片，雕刻的玫瑰，礼品卡，珠宝，心灵的“钥匙”，泡沫浴，电影票，个性化的诗文。
礼物越个性化，对方收到的时候作用越大。比如，发些你的照片，在上面做个表达“我爱你的”（当然你可以写个名字在上面，别留个空白的）。当你寄书的时候，记得要选对方有激情看的，再写个纸条夹在里面，每次都这么做。寄音乐的时候，也写点有关的东西，让她/他知道你在想她/他.去M&M网站订购个性化的牛奶巧克力糖果。智力测验也可以订制。给你的伴侣所在地的SPA（温泉浴）打电话办个卡给她/他寄过去！
越是个性化和有想象力，你的伴侣就对你的体贴印象越深刻。
5.两地同时过
即使你和另一半离几个小时远，也可以一起体验“约会夜”。比如在两地同时去看大片。计划好同时去看电影，完了给对方打电话讨论下。知道对方在同一时间和你做同一件事情是很好玩的。尽管分处两地，你们也可以“一起”分享一段时间。
6.别想当然
对彼此间的感情要确信不疑。不要想当然人家知道你在想什么——要跟她/分享。不管是好是坏，对你们的感情不能含糊。想当然会断送异地关系，而明确的交流会使异地关系走向成功。让另一个人知道你的抱负，恐惧，情绪和渴望。这有助于对方跟你分享更深入的东西，当你们一起努力掌握了沟通能力后。
7.信赖彼此
自尊心不强以及缺乏信任会破坏美好的关系。举个例子，我知道一个女的遇见一个不错的男的，是在她花了3年时间从前一段感情中“恢复”过来后遇到的第一个男人。不幸的是，她仍然背着上一次失败了的感情的包袱。她把这个好男人归入到坏男人的行列，多疑，没有安全感，最终失去了他。
别把现在的对象和陈年往事纠缠到一块去。 给现在的人一个机会。我的哲学是，我完全相信你，直到你不值当相信为止。如果深处异地还不相信对方，那么你就是自己破坏自己的感情。
8.规划定期见面
经常见面对于异地关系的成功是非常重要的。向第一条一样，定个准则，多久见一次，什么时候见。订好了日子后要确保那天不受干扰。当你取消见面的时候（“朋友们邀请我去海边玩儿”或者“我忘了那周要期末考试了”），你就是在给对方说这段感情对你来说不算什么。为了见她/他，你应该取消所有安排。如果你让其他事情干扰了见面，那么可能该重新考虑为什么要在一起了。
9.分享激情
如果能够水乳交融，你会更了解你的伴侣的，特别是深处异地。之后，你就会更清楚对方的好恶，还有激情。搞清楚她/他对什么比较有激情，然后你可以加入。比方说对方喜欢网球，你却从未打过。那就从网球课开始吧，然后跟人家交流交流。想想你们俩对什么都有激情，然后一起分享，是会大大增强你们的关系。
10.制造惊喜！
你会经常听别人说，“我喜欢惊喜”。惊喜很好玩，因为它来得突然，而且表现了制造惊喜之人的体贴和好玩。想想看有什么你可以给人家制造惊喜的。但是别让人觉得早该有了，那么他们就会盼着惊喜了。下面有些想法仅供参考：
》找当地的报纸上的分类广告
》突然去看她/他
》制作一个录像带，录下你“人生中最重大的事件”，向她/他炫耀一下
》一套礼物，当你们见面后人家要走的时候给她/他。礼物的数量和你们下次要见面的星期数对应。比如，你们下次隔8周见面，就送八个，每个都编上号。每个星期一的早上叫她/他打开其中的一个。这会增强对方的期待，也会觉得你越发的贴心。
如果你肯花时间和精力，异地也可以修成正果。正如菲尔博士所言，“如果真爱一个人，你会翻山越岭，上天入地斩蛟龙……”
